Out of the Coffin

I have not admitted this in writing before but I guess I am kinda a vampire groupie. It started with Buffy the Vampire Slayer in 1997, progressed to reading about Lestat in high school, and now, at the age of 25, I am hooked on the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Someone sent me this today

Buffy Film No. 2. Naturally, I am going to lump this into the Twilight (aka garbage) pile. I don't really understand why a BTVS movie needs to be made. Nor do I understand why they would want to start all over with it. After spending the weekend reading book 9, Dead and Gone, of the Sookie books and watching season 1 of TrueBlood, I think I like it way more than Buffy and I devoted 7 years of my television watching life to that show.

In any case, what is Fran Rubel Kuzui thinking? No Sarah Michelle Gellar. No Joss Whedon. No Angel, Willow, or Xander. Seems like repeat of the first movie with probably the same results.

Full Circle

In June 2004, I enrolled at the University of Montevallo. I grew up wanting to be Abbie Carmichael (Angie Harmon) on Law and Order. So, I chose to major in Political Science and minor in Pre-Law. My junior year, I took the LSAT. It freaked me out and by that time I had already taked several international poltics classes which made me rethink things. I've been told by my adoptive father that once the Africa bug bites you, it never goes away. Four months ago, I applied to 8 schools. Today, March 11, 2009, six out of the eight have rejected me. I don't want to have a Plan B but I have applied to law school.

I went to Tuscaloosa last week. There is so much money at that campus. Everywhere I looked buildings were either brand new, in the process of being built, or old and remodeled. The law school gives out $1.5 million a year in scholarships. I think my GPA and my CV can attest to my academic and work abilities (I went ahead and told them I do not do well on standardized tests in my statment of purpose). I did well at this conference in Tuscaloosa. I lost to a bumbling, ill-prepared slug of a communications major at the Graduate Research competition at UAB. I am begining to think it is because my papers deal with historical and modern conflicts--not complete historical issues. I am not saying that I would rather get a J.D. than a Ph.D. but maybe if accepted at UA and I complete my degree, I can actually do something about the issues in Africa that I am so passionate about. Yes, if Columbia or Ohio State let me in, that is where I will go, but, if they don't and UA does, I will not feel like half a person because I will not get a Ph.D (or at least not when I want to). However, my LSAT score is pretty poor (although it is just 30 points shy of the median score at UA). I am not getting my hopes up that I will get in to UA's School of Law. So, I have a plan C.

In order to get into a Ph.D. program or get a job at the UN or an international NGO, I need to be fluent in French. If I can take French 102 while still at UAB, I can take 10 more classes of French at UA (with Mom's half price tuition) and earn a B.A. in French since I already have all the other "core humanities" to do that. Plus, I might be fluent by the this time next year which means I will have one more good thing to put on my applications to schools or job applications.

Part of me still feels like a complete loser. I know the economy is pretty bad and more people like myself are opting to stay in school rather than try to find a job that does not exist (although I have wanted to do this long before the 2008-2009 part of it). I just cannot believe that people who are coming straight from an undergraduate degree are getting in and I, who have a MA, am getting rejected. In my opinion, my GPA are perfect, my extra cirriculars are plentiful, I am in the top 15% of my graduating class (including people from the medical side), and I have experience doing the TA/Grad Assistant thing. I get really frustrated when my parents tell me that I can do anything I want to do or be anything I want to be. I don't believe that. I don't believe that a college degree is useful. Part of me wishes that history and other humanities would just be completely cut from programs of study. Obviously, there is not a need for history so why offer it? Let everyone major in chemical engineering and math because those are the only fields you can actualy get into a Ph.D program with. I think you have to A) be from old money or B) be an ethnic minority to get into a Ph.D program for an arts or humanity degree. In any case. I don't want to be a professional student. I want my degree so I can put it to work. I have my fingers crossed that maybe one of my remaining schools will send me some good news but I am running out of optimism. Maybe I should have listened to my parents and applied to law school in the first place instead of wasting the past three years of my life.

I am happy that it was 57 degrees today

I don't like the cold weather at all. This feeling is made worse by my apartment's crappy windows. Instead of splurging and renovating the windows, management decided that the 1920 windows do just fine in the winter. When I am in my bed tucked underneath the electric blanket, I can see my curtains moving in the breeze. This might account for why my AC bill is so high in the summer and why none of my bought heat is staying inside this winter. Last week Alabama experienced several days where the highs were only in the 30s. Since I don't have a proper coat and I think I look silly in hats, most of my body froze in the commute from the parking deck to my cubicle. Now, my ears are infected, my throat is sore, I am on the strongest antibiotics know to man for 10 days, and my nose is raw from blowing it all the time. Dr. Liber gave me an L.L. Bean catalog (as well as a delightful book about the Number 1 Ladies Detective Agency) for Christmas. I should have ordered a coat and maybe some proper shoes too. Five out of the eight schools I applied to are "Up North" and he keeps reminding me that this weather is nothing compared to Wisconsin or Illinois. As I sit here in Academic Purgatory, I have been thinking about what it might be like to move away from everyone I know and start fresh. Right now, everyone I know is engaged, married, or pregnant. So, I don't think my absence will really be noticed. Since everyone I know is starting their own family in some shape or form I have decided that it is time I start my own family. So, I think that if Samantha and I are going to move off, it is only appropriate that we add a member to this family capable of protecting us and being there to cuddle with. I have narrowed this new addition down to a St. Bernard, a Mastiff, a Great Dane, or an Irish Wolfhound. These are all large breeds which get along well with other pets and can handle the harshness of winter incase I do not make it to Berkeley. I don't think that it is too unreasonable to put any of these on my graduation present list.

2009 is off to a bad start

I am two weeks behind my readings and it is only week one of my classes. My French 101 cds won't play on my MacBook so my plans of downloading them onto my iPod for easy access are not going too well. I have given into convenience and feel like a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad person that needs to correct this messy situation before it gets even messier. I still have not heard from any of my Ph.D. programs. Budget cuts at UAB left me without summer funding so I have to save up and pay for my last two classes. The economy sucks all around. I did not get a converter box coupon and now I won't have my beloved PBS after February 17th because I refuse to pay $40 for TV. I have a million and three different things going on and cannot seem to focus. My book of no academic merit that I ordered over a month ago has yet to arrive. It is cold outside and I miss warmth and sunshine. On the positive side, I have a Volkswagen Beetle now with heated seats so the cold doesn't really bother me as much now.

the gods are against me

I miss Montevallo. Well, I miss things about Montevallo. I got an alumni donation form this past week that made me smile. At the beginning of the letter "President Williams" asks me to remember pranks in Napier, College Night, and other stuff I never did while at UM. Just when I was about to throw the paper away, they caught me as I do remember acing Dr. Barone's English history test. As that was my last class I took at UM, he had my final grade up before I took the final. Montevallo was nice. They are even nice to me now that I no longer attend classes there. I went to the admissions office about a month ago and they sent 12 copies of my transcripts off for free.

I love UAB. Well, I love the majority of the History department. They seem to have so much confidence in me. Today, I spent about an hour going over African Diaspora books for my directed readings class with Dr. Mohl. He doesn't teach African history or African Diaspora but he thinks I need to know the historiography of my interest so he researched the topic all semester and came up with a list of twenty books for me to read. The first words out of his mouth this morning, "You need to apply to Oxford. That is the best place for you." Well, I missed the deadlines for those programs but if things don't go my way this time around, I will definitely give it at try next year since he thinks I can get in with ease there (they don't even ask for GRE scores in the application!). In contrast to UM, UAB records office to quote another professor "needs to be eliminated."

Two weeks ago, while battling bronchitis and cold weather, I marched to the registrars office to get them to resend my transcripts since they sent them to the wrong addresses and charged me $80. That was November 17. They got very angry with me for questioning their ability to send out official transcripts but the addresses automatically supplied on the online request form are wrong and there is no way to change them. Finally, I got them to understand. They wanted to charge me again and I raised a bit of hell as it was their fault it was not done correctly in the first place. None of my transcripts have reached their destination schools yet. The deadline for my application and materials was December 1st. I looked online today, my transcripts were put into the system (again) on November 25--12 days after I ordered them. Unfortunately, whomever entered them into the system for me did not select a type of delivery system so they were ordered on the 25 but have not yet been shipped out. I am livid. To make matters oh so much worse, the company that owns GRE, ETS sent out my wrong test scores when they could not find the ones I took on November 15 which is my highest score to date. Everytime I call to get them to send the new ones out, I get a new story as to why they were not originally sent out. When I called on Friday, they accidentally double charged me...they apologized but did not send my scores out that were also due on December 1st. I all of my applications in and took the necessary steps to ensure that all of my supplementary information would arrive by the deadline but these bureacratic nincompoots keep thwarting my application.

On a positive note, today was my last day with this group of freshmen. I officially survived my first semseter as a TA.

Waiting

So my applications are completely finished. That has not sunk in yet. All that is left to do is wait on February-March to get here with good/bad news. I guess I am feeling kinda nostalgic lately since 2008 is almost over. These last 2 years really flew by--I guess because I really was having fun. I think going to UAB was one of the best things I could have done. The same feelings I had about UM in my last 6 months there are starting to come back to me. I feel safe and secure here and really don't want to leave. However, I know that it really would be the best thing to ever happen to me if I did leave. There is so much here that I just need to cut out and leave behind me and yet I still hold on to it like a security blanket. I know chances are that I will not get an acceptance letter from Yale, Columbia, or Berkeley but if I did, I would be terrified. Conneticuit, New York, and California seem so far away (maybe because they are). I feel pretty alone right now and I get to see my friends on a daily basis. I don't know how I would handle starting from scratch. No one in my family lives in any of the states where I have applied to school. All of my friends are in the Jefferson County metro area. I feel like I am too old to start over and yet I am only 25. Lots of people have already married and had children by the time they are my age. I was watching Gone with the Wind the other day. Sue Ellen, who is Scarlett's younger sister gets upset when Scarlett marries Frank Kennedy (Sue Ellen's beau) and declares that Scarlett will have 2 husbands and she will be an old maid. Scarlett was 19 when she married at in 1861, by 1864 she is 23. Sue Ellen, who is younger than Scarllet thinks she will be an old maid. I guess by those standards, I am already there. I feel like it. Sometimes I think I am missing out on something by trying so hard to be good at school. I made my first ever A+ last week in Dr. Tent's class. Sure, my grades might earn high marks but what about my life? I pretty much suck at everything so I think I would get a "C." Everyone tells me that I won't be here (AL) much longer. I am glad they have faith in me but what if they are wrong? What if I am here all alone and miserable because while I have been at school all of my friends and family have been getting married and having children. Where do I fit in to that? I feel like I am in a personal and academic rut. Some kinda of limbo. I can't do anything because some school has the authority to make or break my life. I cannot persue a companion because if I get in, I will leave next August. I cannot make plans with friends and family because I might not be here if I get in. And then on the other side, what if I don't get in? I have to plan accordingly and have nothing to go with. I don't know what I want to do. I have no working plan B. I cannot apply to jobs that require a MA because technically, I do not have one. I just have to sit an wait.

Academic Jargon and the GRE

Mary Lynn Rampola, A Pocket Guide to Writing in History-"In an effort to sound sophisticated, students sometimes use a thesaurus to find a more 'impressive' word. The danger of this approach is that the new word might not mean what you intended. In general, you should use the simplest word that makes your meaning clear. Do not use a four-syllable word when a single syllable will do.

William Strunk and E.B. White, The Elements of Style- "Reminder 14: Avoid Fancy Words. Avoid the elaborate, the pretentious, the coy, and the cute. Do not be tempted by a twenty-dollar word when there is a ten-center handy, ready, and able...If you admire fancy words, if every sky is beauteous, every blonde curvaceous, every intelligent child prodigious, if you are tickled by discombobulate, you will have a bad time with Reminder 14."

In other words, do not use big words.

As a historian, I am supposed to go by these two works when I write papers or a possible dissertation. According to the GRE study guide, "quotidian" is a favorite word on the GRE. Instead of asking me what boring or mundane means, they ask me what quotidian means. How, does knowing this rather unusual word help me as a writer when all of my recognized guides to writing are telling me to avoid words like quotidian? I don't get how the GRE, except for the writing sample, is a good determinant of academic excellence.

I can see the finish line

As part of my de-stressing mode, I decided to go ahead and finish up all of my Ph.D. applications. I think the hold up was my statement of purpose and personal history or diversity statement. So, after Dr. Liber and I went through multiple drafts of those, I finally uploaded them all. Tomorrow I plan to upload my writing sample when he gets through with it. I guess I just assumed that all grad schools would be as cheap to apply to as UAB and UA were. That was such a stupid misconception. I applied to Yale, $90; Columbia, $90; Wisconsin, $56; UC Berkeley, $70; Northwestern, $75; UNC-Chapel Hill, $75; Vanderbilt, free when you apply online; and Ohio State, $40--for a grand total of $$496. I am trying to be optimistic but with my GRE scores, I do not see any of these people letting me in even though my LORs and personal statements ROCK like Rocky. My brain feeels like it is dribbling out of my ears but I have a plan. I am finished with my applications except for the GRE and my professors submitting all of their LORs. Now, I have time to write my Doss paper's rough draft and my presentation for Tent's class. I am editing Liber's book on the weekends. I should be through with everything so that I can have one week to study for the GRE. I know that is not much time but providing I do not get sick, I should be fine. So yeah, the finish line (at least until February-March 2009) is in sight and I am feeling slightly relieved to be almost through with this. Dr. Liber said panic attacks are common in this time of people's careers. I am hoping that is not tha case.

Nonsense

I created a new word. I really like it and think it should be used all the time: Peans--For those times when you cannot decide if you want peas or beans for supper.

Dr. Millard, who has some of the best ideas for my life, came up with the idea that I should be a bartender in Belgium. He thinks Africa might be too dangerous for me (even though he offered to teach me how to use an AK47).

Apparently, the word on the street is, "Jennifer Phillips has a brilliant mind." If that is the case, I feel worse about my losing it.

I am giving serious thought to joining the peace corp--or Americorp if you will.

I have decided that I need a survival skill. I am going to take public health classes, elementary nursing classes at a community college so I can hook up an IV or draw blood, or an engineering class that teaches me how to make simple water pumps/filters from everyday household products.

I edited a letter for Dr. Liber for his friend and colleague Dr. Liah Greenfeld. I read her two books, Nationalism: Five Roads to Modernity and The Spirit of Capitalism. I attended her lecture here at UAB in the spring. I decided on Monday that if she is willing to let me study with her, I want to make Boston University my target school even though it is ranked 59 in the US News and World Report on history programs. Dr. Mohl asked me what would I do if I got in to Boston U and Yale. Those kind of questions make me laugh.

People You May Know Tool

Leave it to facebook to annoy me when there are other things I should be doing (studying for the GRE). I hate the "People You May Know" tool. It annoys me. No matter how many times I click close, they pop right back with someone else. It annoys me and further proves that facebook is an electronic popularity contest. I am not adding any more friends (so she says in a moment of rage). If I have more friends on my account, it will be because someone added me. Yep. I am sticking to that. Why can't they just leave me alone and let me be happy with the friends I have?